I really don’t know why I decided to go to Court that day, I wish I had just kept my head down and stayed out of it but I guess curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to see justice being done. In the end I just made things a lot worse for someone and I will always regret that. I frequently look back and wonder if I really could have been of any help, my rational mind thinks that I probably wouldn’t have been able to help them but I can’t shake the doubt that my actions on that day precipitated things.
On the day I went they were still hearing evidence from the Prosecution and I got to hear the extent of what they had done to other kids from the estate in more recent years. I couldn’t see much of the evidence from the public gallery but it was described in enough detail to make me feel ill and I decided I needed to leave and get some fresh air. I had been told I could leave at any time I wanted to as long as I was quiet so I decided to get up before any witnesses were called as I didn’t think I could face seeing any of the other victims knowing how badly I had failed them. Just as I left I caught the eye of a man sitting in the back rows, he got up and followed me outside which instantly made me nervous and on edge. He called after me and asked me if I knew him, I said no and he asked if I had lived on the estate 10 years ago. I started to panic and decided to deny everything; I told him that I had just come in to see what a court room looked like while I was in the city for a day trip. He looked really despondent at this and apologised profusely, he told me that he had mistaken me for someone he thought lived on the estate where P & Co were from and that he had been wanting to talk to someone about what happened. I felt really bad for behaving like a Judas towards him and was about to tell him the truth when another man came over to us and introduced himself as being a reporter for what I can only describe as a gutter-press publication. He asked if we knew P & Co, I said no and left very quickly leaving the two men together.
I’ll never forget the look on his face, he looked like he was carrying a very heavy burden, probably more than I could have possibly hoped to help with but I’ll never know as unfortunately he committed suicide a few weeks after the trial, I found out about it when I saw his photograph in the obituaries column of the local newspaper. I don’t know the true story but I heard from the local gossips that in his suicide note he said that he had been a long-term victim of P & Co’s sordid games and had been unable to cope with what happened. I know I am not responsible for what P & Co did to him but I really wish I had not turned away from him when I saw him in Court that day, I could have at least tried to help him but I didn’t and I will never be able to forgive myself for that.