The freedom of being who you are

fall in love

One of the biggest differences between my relationship with C and my ex, R, is that C wants to be with me for who I am and not what I could be. He has never asked me to dress a certain way or change my behaviour to suit him – I am free to be who I am and it is the most empowering feeling ever.

After a few months of dating C I decided I would need to tell him about the fact that it was unlikely that I would be able to conceive a child naturally. I was keen not to make the same mistake as I had with R and so I decided that if it was important to C that he have a family one day then I would end the relationship so that he could find someone else who could give him what he wanted. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to tell him but when I did I couldn’t have imagined a better response; he told me that he wasn’t interested in what “might be” he was only interested in what we had in the here and now and if it didn’t include children then it would still be perfect as we would be together. I badgered him constantly for a good month to make sure he wasn’t going to change his mind; C’s sister was already planning a family and C’s parents were deliriously happy about this, I didn’t want to be the reason he let his family down but he stood by me and said that the most important thing was that we were happy.

I admit that I hadn’t ruled out the possibility of IVF treatment however it is incredibly expensive and stressful for both parties. The truth was I didn’t think I would be able to cope with the stresses of IVF treatment nor was I sure that I would cope with being a parent – after all if I had failed so badly at my own childhood how on earth could I look after a child of my own?

After some time my Mum got in touch with me out of the blue, it seems R had turned on them too and had a massive temper tantrum in front of my Grandmother. Now that they knew what he was truly like I was forgiven for leaving him and would be welcomed back into the fold of the family. I had very mixed feelings about this, I wanted my family to love me but not with conditions attached. In the end I decided to accept their olive branch, if nothing else I was pleased that I would now be able to visit my Grandad openly rather than have to sneak letters via my Step-Dad but I was still hurt by how they had treated me in the wake of the divorce. Even now the relatonship with my family is still strained but I have a lot of wonderful friends who love me for who I am I feel blessed to have them in my life.

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